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Changes

Recently I was looking at pictures while cleaning out a chest of mine. I had forgotten the feelings associated with the pictures and forgotten the woman who was in those photographs. I sit here now and wonder who she was and what made up her psyche. She looks happy and relaxed, just enjoying an outing with her husband and two little boys. It is hard to believe that was just 9 years ago. So much can change in just a short span of time. Look at a picture of the boy leaning against his father
Here is a picture of the boy leaning against his mother
And finally here is a picture of the mother 9 years later
I still look relaxed and happy, just enjoying an outing with my boys. The truth is that I am not relaxed or happy. I am just posing for the camera trying not to look as fat as I am. I am missing my husband, the person that completed that family picture up top. I am juggling being a mother and father and paying bills with money I don't have yet and am really wishing that I could take a trip back in time where it all did not rest on my shoulders alone. I am resentful of having these burdens placed on me when promises were made for something quite different. I am tired of being a crybaby when people have it much worse out there than I do and upset that I am making myself feel guilty for having resentments. I try to pray for better days ahead and know that it is coming but who really is my husband coming home to. Certainly not the girl he left behind. Will he love me the way he used too, will he still make me feel that I am the only person in the world? I just don't know and I am scared about this. I keep thinking I need reassurances on this, but how would they be given? You can make your mouth say anything but it is the actions that define us. I am working on myself to try and be the person that I think he wants me to be, but is he working on himself. He probably does not need to because time has basically stood still for him. I just don't know.

Puppies

Well our trip to Wal Mart was successful with 4 of the 9 puppies gone. We intend to go back tomorrow and try to get rid of the rest. Wish us luck because we are going to need it.

New Year resolutions

Well...my first attempts to exercise were a bust. I got myself attired in the perfect workout clothes and went to the rec center to begin my New Year exercise plan only to be told that I have to attend orientation first and that is not until Monday. Already there are flies in the ointment, but undaunted I went home and decided the whole family would help me in my efforts. They were less than enthusiastic so once again I retreated to my bedroom. I love my room. I have everything that is good inside those walls. I am swept away by my books and TV. I travel, have passionate romances, and solve intricite crimes that would baffle Agatha Christie. I am a poet and painter and seeker of truth. I am beautiful and thin and people constantly tell me how much they wish they were me. Alas, it was not to be the case on this day. Every ad on TV screamed at me about flat abs and a six pack. Even the heroine in the book I was reading was on a diet so I decided to go to the internet and found something I could bring into my haven.
Tummy Exercises You Can Do in Bed

Bed exercises are a great solution for people who aren't used to working out. People with health and mobility issues could also benefit from these tummy exercises you can do in bed. It's pretty simple. Let's get started.

Tummy Toner #1

Remove your pillow from under your head and place it under your lower back. This extra lift will help you get maximum impact from this tummy exercise. Put your hands at your side, palms down. With your feet together, slowly lift your legs while keeping your ankles touching. Tighten your tummy muscles and breathe in. While you continue to breathe in, slowly spread your legs apart. Count to 5. Bring your legs back together slowly and then slowly bring them down. Start with just 5 and increase by one each day you exercise.

Tummy Toner #2

Remove your pillow from under your head. Stack two pillows at the foot of your bed. Lie flat on the bed with your feet elevated. Cross your arms over your chest. Breathe in deeply as you pull your stomach in towards your back. Breathe out as you lift your upper body towards your feet. The distance you lift up is not important. You'll feel the burn! Breathe in as you lie down again. Relax your muscles then repeat. Do this exercise 5 times and increase by one each day you exercise.

This twisting exercise is also good for love handles! Lie flat on the bed with no pillow support. Stretch out your arms to your side about shoulder length. Keep your arms and shoulders flat on the bed while you roll your head to the right. At the same time lift your right knee to your chest. Breathe
in while you tighten up your stomach muscles. Now, breathe out as you roll your right knee and hip to the floor on your left side. Can you feel the twist? Don't stretch yourself until you hurt! If you can't reach the floor all the way it is all right. Don't hurt yourself by pressing yourself too far too soon. Breathe out as you slowly roll back to the original position returning your knee and leg too. Rest. Then roll your head to the left and do the same exercise on the opposite. Do this exercise on both sides 5 times resting in between. Increase as it becomes easier.

These tummy exercises you can do in bed will get you on your way to be fit in no time.

I actually bought a little rubber ball to use instead of the pillows so we shall see what happens.

So I bought a new car

I really love my new vehicle....you would not know it by talking to me because I am waiting for the next shoe to drop.................You want to see a picture of it, I know you do............Well this is it. I took it to the mechanic. Everything is fine except for the high miles. I will own this at the end of January. Quite achievement for me. Why do I say this. Because in my whole life I have never paid off anything and in 2008 I paid off my home and in 2009 I will have paid off a car while at the same time raising two boys who while they are fine boys want stuff. I am proud of myself.

My List

Things I have to do today....that is how I start out my days anymore. Things that I have to do, but wouldn't it be nice if the list read like this: 1. Purchase plane tickets to Cancun. 2. Shop for clothes for Cancun. 3. Go get full spa treatment and tan. 4. Stop off at plastic surgeon for brand new body. 5. Pick up hunky guy to take to Cancun. That is not what my list looks like. I have to try and find a reliable car with the least amount of money I can put down. I have to do laundry and clean the house. I have to get some more wood chopped because this warm spell won't last forever and then go grocery shopping with my coupons. Finally, I think I need someone to pluck my eyebrows because Julie, a sweet girl I work with at the college tagged me in a facebook photo, and well you can see for yourself!!!!!!!

This is me in my catering outfit.

Andrew and I made several pacts last night and one was to turn us into a dynamic duo. Lean, mean fighting machines. I will keep everyone advised on our progress, but it is not looking too good right now as I shove homemade chocolate chip cookies in my mouth with my morning coffee. Yep, that's the breakfast of champions right there. By the way of introductions, here is Andrew, my eternally pessimistic roommate, looking for love in all the wrong places.


He is my partner in crime for most of my latest escapades. He is also my very best friend and confidante. We will argue for days over this car purchase. I just know it. He will also be the one to pluck my eyebrows for me. Thank god for Andrew! Yesterday he told me not to wear turtlenecks because it makes me look weird. I said, "You mean fat" and he said "No, just weird". What do you do with that kind of fashion advice. I always thought I looked good in turtlenecks, but apparently we are not seeing the same vision of lovely me. I have a closet full of turtlenecks. What am I to do with them now? Also, have I just been looking weird for years now and no one has told me?

Yesterday, we went car shopping at "Pimpin Productions", that specializes in buy here, pay here transactions. Fortunately for us they were closed on Tuesdays and Thursdays because we might have bought a car from this rather seedy establishment. Yes, I would buy my car from a place called "Pimpin Productions" because that's just how I roll. Due to their closed status we proceeded on to Blairsville where they have many fine used car dealers and were immediately distracted by a huge Christian Love Thrift Store. This is not the Christian Love store that is 2 miles from my house, this is the Thrift Store of all thrift stores. We spent 3 1/2 hours in there going through everything and then had to go pick up the boys from the busstop. So, no further car shopping was done. I hope today is a little more productive. We must avoid thrift stores at any cost. However, we did make several purchases, records for the phonograph, clothes for the boys, black loafers for Andrew so he can wear his black pants again and a couple of fine sweaters for me (no turtlenecks). We got the Saturday Night Fever LP in excellent condition and also Neil Diamond's greatest hits. I love me some Neil Diamond. We also got about 20 45's which were in good shape so our record collection is shaping up. I love my $5.00 stereo which probably cost a couple hundred dollars when it was new. The boys are fascinated with it and keep trying to make it do digital things and I say "No, it will not do that". They think you can take a remote and point it at anything and make it work.

Well since I have all this time off from the college I will try to get caught up on all my communications and projects. I will miss my friends though. Isn't it funny that all my friends are between 18-21 years of age. Those are the student workers at the college. There is Jacob who I could write pages about, he is smart, funny and just plain crazy. Jacob and Andrew had a brief relationship that has resulted in some kind of love hate thing that I often find myself in the
middle trying to mediate.


There is Julie, who I talked about earlier. She is a sweet girl and the hardest worker I have ever met. She is best friends with Jacob.

Then there is JaJuan. He is a recent addition to my list of friends but he is hilarious. He claims to be the black sheep of the family as both his brothers are signing with the NFL this year. He helped us move the piano into the house and he was on one end and Julie, Jacob, Andrew and myself were on the other. He was saying "Hey guys, I got my end, but you need to lift up yours, Ok,,Ok, oh hell ya'll are some weak @##$$".


We recently included JaJuan on the catering team and here he is trying to look the part. Funny story about him. On his first catering job as a server, he was very nervous, but trying to do his very best. We were filling water glasses on the table for this wedding rehearsal dinner so I had assigned everyone tables and JaJaun was at the ready waiting for someones glass to get low. Well he spotted this lady that was about half done with her water and swooped in, picked up the glass and was about to fill it when the lady cried out "No.........give me that back". He looked like she had hit him and then got this look when she took the glass and reached into her purse, pulled out a flask and filled the glass to the top with gin. He had this expression like "Did you see that!!!"
Well that is all I have for now.

Finally

It was a dark and stormy night, the wind sending pelting rain against my shivering flesh. I was beyond cold as I tried to burrow even deeper into my thin, winter coat. Feverishly, I searched my surroundings for any sign of the prize I had been seeking for nearly a decade now and just when I had almost lost hope it appeared as glimmer against the horizon. I picked up my pace, nearly tripping over a tree limb in my haste. Faster and faster I went, now nearly running and I reached out my hand, my fingertips grazing the surface and then it was gone like quicksilver. Vanished! I fell to my knees and cried out in gut wrenching pain and loss. The tiny thread that was my grasp on sanity threatened to snap as I descending into a welcoming blackness.......

Pretty good, huh! Unfortunately it has nothing to do with the story I am writing now. Just some random stuff in my head that hangs out there taking up space. Let's talk about Christmas with a little background on my life right now. First off, I am 46 with two boys, Tyler and Justin and a daughter Jenny, who does not live with me (but I wish she did) and Andrew, my gay roommate. My husband is in prison where he has been for 6 years. Tyler is 15, Justin is 13 and Andrew is 18. I am not going into all the details right now, such as why my husband is in prison and why Andrew is gay. It is just not relevant at this moment. What is relevant is that Christmas is upon us again and it makes me sad. Sad for all the things that I want to do and cannot. People I want to visit and can't and dreams that I want to make come true and won't. Some would look at this as a life strengthening challenge and I admit for several years I have done that. I am tired now of doing this and just want what I want. I want to see my mother and sisters and my daughter. I want my husband to be here and sharing in Christmas joy. I want tons of presents for the kids to open on Christmas morning and I want them to still believe in Santa Claus, that flicker of innocence and excitement alive in their eyes. I want to believe in Peace on Earth and Goodwill to Men and I want me to feel something, anything at all. I am so dead inside that I don't know what will awaken a spark inside of me. At first I just thought that I was numb to it all. The long hours at work and then more work at home, but it is not that. I just don't get excited about anything as if my dreams have died. Even though I know my husband, Darryl, will be coming home soon, that has barely gotten a rise out of me inside. Outwardly, I present the proper emotions to the world, laugh, cry, smile but it does not reach that place that houses my soul. Perhaps my soul has taken too many beatings to recover from and will remain frozen in place. I don't know what my answer will be but I have simple dreams and hate to think that they will not be realized or if they are realized that I will be to dead to care.