Changes

Recently I was looking at pictures while cleaning out a chest of mine. I had forgotten the feelings associated with the pictures and forgotten the woman who was in those photographs. I sit here now and wonder who she was and what made up her psyche. She looks happy and relaxed, just enjoying an outing with her husband and two little boys. It is hard to believe that was just 9 years ago. So much can change in just a short span of time. Look at a picture of the boy leaning against his father
Here is a picture of the boy leaning against his mother
And finally here is a picture of the mother 9 years later
I still look relaxed and happy, just enjoying an outing with my boys. The truth is that I am not relaxed or happy. I am just posing for the camera trying not to look as fat as I am. I am missing my husband, the person that completed that family picture up top. I am juggling being a mother and father and paying bills with money I don't have yet and am really wishing that I could take a trip back in time where it all did not rest on my shoulders alone. I am resentful of having these burdens placed on me when promises were made for something quite different. I am tired of being a crybaby when people have it much worse out there than I do and upset that I am making myself feel guilty for having resentments. I try to pray for better days ahead and know that it is coming but who really is my husband coming home to. Certainly not the girl he left behind. Will he love me the way he used too, will he still make me feel that I am the only person in the world? I just don't know and I am scared about this. I keep thinking I need reassurances on this, but how would they be given? You can make your mouth say anything but it is the actions that define us. I am working on myself to try and be the person that I think he wants me to be, but is he working on himself. He probably does not need to because time has basically stood still for him. I just don't know.